The fecund mind

Sometimes I feel the need to pen it all down. In fact, I feel the need to pen it down every day, hoping that the raging storm of thoughts inside my head would finally relent. Then I think of all those things on my to-do list for the day or week - for work, for home, for myself, for other people.

Life gets in the way, and my storm of completely futile and intense thoughts rages on. And I, once again, make fake peace with the fact that most of my time, the time I use to see, feel, touch and taste this world, the hours I am allotted in this world - my time, actually isn't mine at all.  What would I do with my time if it was truly mine ? I would write, write for hours on end, and read. I would ride my bicycle, read, write, play a guitar,travel, sing, spend time with people I love, laugh and smile -  and do it all over again. That is of course, if this whole world wasn't organized around buying and selling each other's time.

In some alternate universe, I want to believe doing what feels true to my skin won't require as much validation. The world would just let me be, and won't need me to be entitled or rich to buy my own time from it.

Said George Saunders “I saw the peculiar way America creeps up on you if you don’t have anything.It’s never rude. It’s just, Yes, you do have to work 14 hours. And yes, you do have to ride the bus home. You’re now the father of two and you will work in that cubicle or you will be dishonored. Suddenly the universe was laden with moral import, and I could intensely feel the limits of my own power. We didn’t have the money, and I could see that in order for me to get this much money, I would have to work for this many more years. It was all laid out in front of me, and suddenly absurdism wasn’t an intellectual abstraction, it was actually realism. You could see the way that wealth was begetting wealth, wealth was begetting comfort — and that the cumulative effect of an absence of wealth was the erosion of grace.”

I never thought of it quite like this, but may be this contraption has been created by this country, the land of plenty - where not achieving the American Dream, for lack of intent or ability, is a calamitous fall from social grace. More so, if you went to college, and worse if you went to grad school, and you can sign away your life if you went to two graduate schools.  And why not? After all, this country created a legal and physical infrastructure for all of us live in, that many other countries only partially could, if at all.  The gaping maw of capitalism therefore, asks us for its pound of flesh in return.  I suppose its fair. Go ahead, chase the dream that I want you to chase, because then all of us can live within this framework that I created - that others can only dream of.

Then there are nuances to it all, of course. "Does this country extract more pounds of flesh from immigrants than its own?" "Do the laws favor the white more than the black-brown-blue etc., the heterosexual more than others, etc. etc." I am not getting into any of that. 

Especially since, I have been, like you I suppose, scared, delighted, humbled, and brainwashed into submission. I have told myself that I cannot complain, because I come from a land where old ladies scoured pantries of the rich for stale food to give their children, where grown children of middle-class families live in a perpetual humdrum with just enough from one week to the next, one year to the next, if they don't get caught in some honor murder/rape situation that is.  

What about though, the narrow sliver of possibility, that may be, just maybe, a chance to breathe out of "its" grasp may actually be a good thing, for everyone. 

A Chase to follow..

Sweet blonde walks up to a boy with chestnut hair and soft features. She asks him if he writes adult comic books. He smiles. That look comes over his eyes - that look you get when you've just seen someone endearing, some one who makes you smile, even laugh, some one whose drivel you could listen to without hearing a word of what they're saying.

Boy and girl get to know each other. Boy falls for girl. Girl also inadvertently falls for boy. Makings of a silly rom-com.  One problem though - she is gay.

 In 'Chasing Amy', a young Ben Affleck plays Holden McNeil, a smitten comic book writer who is compelled to let his gay female friend (which, in her head, is all she is to him) know of his feelings on a dark, rainy night, in a car, while on their way back from dinner. Because he "just can't take it any more".

I will be honest. Besides an off-beat premise, and decidedly adorable portrayals both by Ben Affleck, Joey Lauren Adams and Jason Lee, what I really love is the the monologue that Holden launches into when he admits his feelings for Alyssa to her. Seriously, the simplicity and mature sincerity with which Holden professes his love for Alyssa is like soft porn to me. I can watch it over and over. Its not trite, its honest, brave, grown-up, and very convincing in its hopeful lack of expectation of any reciprocation from Alyssa; its at once complete, touching, and crisp in its acknowledgement of the price of his admission - the possible loss of a good friendship.  Most importantly, to me its special because that is exactly what I would have done. I would have confessed, too, letting my hopes overshadow my expectations.

I watch my occasional rom-com,occasional because most are shitty.  Despite the obvious complication of Alyssa's sexuality, I love the movie for its simplicity.  None of the new fangled rom-coms these days have this old-fashioned, honest-cry sincerity about them.

Ben Affleck, being the extraordinary actor that he is, plays the role with innocence (and jealous zeal) of a high school lover boy. And yet, quite satisfyingly, his portrayal is not over-done, juvenile or misplaced. His is the love we all want, but dread to have to offer.

In case I ever need to refer to it, here is my favorite excerpt from the movie :

 I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't-I can't look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, 'cause I've never felt this way before, and I-I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just - you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me.